I'll - leads to words of mine. "I" means myself as an individual, I am important, thus I is capitalised.
Love - leads to posts. "Love" in actual fact is just a word, it does not exist in RL =x.
you - leads to links. *YOU* have appeared in my life =)
Forever - leads to tagboard. What really is 'forever'?
Promises - leads to my profile. "Promises" exist to be cherished and believed.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
4 months ago.. this time.. almost exactly this time? since blogger cannot change time now.. the time is 10:34 PM..
same chair.. same computer.. same position.. same room.. same song..
my feelings for SH started to grow.. started to increase.. she started pouring her feelings to me.. i recall that day.. she was crying.. that day was also supposed to be the day i stop MS..
4 months later, today, now, my first step for fading of feelings for SH, starts.. 4 months ago I was still so childish.. so helpless.. Ying Xin was probably the only one.. who saw me through the change of my psychology and mental mind.. The difference in me is very big.. lol..
within 4 months.. I had a new good friend, and lost a very good one too.. learnt more about things i was so curious about.. something i want to understand.. wanted to have.. but now i rather it all did not happen.. haha.. today MS.. lvled agn.. 74 le.. not happy.. if only time can change back to when I was lvl 65..
i know you read my blog.. just admit.. time is ticking by.. it will be too late if you dont tell me what you really want.. NOW
6:35 AM...i'm thinkin' of you
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
i really dun need to blog anymore mah? i was so sure.. i was so certain.. but why.. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
9:45 AM...i'm thinkin' of you
Monday, November 28, 2005
haix.. i dun really feel at ease to blog all that i want to.. yeah.. the reason is obvious.. in the past i wanted her to read.. now i dun think i want after all..
heh! Maple de store permit.. dam useful.. earned alot alot of millions from there le.. junks which i wanted to sell to NPC... i got them sold for alot more $!
a few days ago.. probably the night my friends ton at my house.. i got this thinking.. i dont really trust whatever they say.. Are people borned to be suspicious of their surroundings? guess what? I just called Leroy.. and he seemed pissed.. i wonder why.. i was about to ask if it was appropriate for me to go back there.. anyway.. yeah.. my blog abt today =D
today on Maple, i knew someone new.. she had this Maple Dear.. then they met up.. then she started feeling insecure.. using vulgarities at that guy.. feeling that he minded how she looked like.. reminds me of myself.. in a sense she and I are very alike.. shes 18.. im 16.. but i consoled her like nobody's business.. every thing i said.. seem to make sense.. i can foresee what she planned to do.. or what she doing.. like when she seemed to be afk.. i told her "dun keep looking at those screenshots".. also knew how she felt.. its great hurt..
ya.. i got scolded by *ahem* again today.. cant exactly blame her.. not really angry with her behaviour..
I am back in Victoria in maple.. after that i went to on the heater.. i lied on my bed.. i was looking at the window.. i was pretending to sleep.. to see if my maid got common sense to wake me up.. since she knew i was going to a BBQ.. i looked at the window.. from navy blue sky.. i closed my eyes.. opened them again.. it was dark le >.< serious.. it was just like a blink of eye.. fun leh.. i want to experience it again.. really seemed like one blink.. when i opened my eyes and saw the dark sky.. i remembered exactly how the navy blue sky looked like.. as if it happened 1 sec ago..
the BBQ was very very fun.. first they made me surrender my handphone, wallet, spects.. then they threw me in the pool.. i enjoyed it.. so many years never swim.. so i played with the water.. pretended that i din know how to swim =x and Jerald threw the float into the pool.. WHAHAHAHA.. played in the pool.. was lots of fun.. then they all tried to pull down my pants -.- i got choked on the water and such.. and i protected my pants =) yea it was really really very fun.. then the stupid security guard.. kept coming and dampening our spirits.. :S speaking of spirits.. Tim told us ghost stories after the swim and the BBQ.. even right now blogging abt this.. im quite.. scared =x my balcony just behind me.. and its opened.. yea the wind.. and such.. makes my hair stand.. well.. heard they gonna disturb the guard soon =x listening to their ideas made it so funny.. Yan Yin even suggested pretending to be a ghost.. and Tim was saying.. let the hair fall on YY's face.. then walk pass the guard house.. when the guard is aware of the "spirit".. YY will turn and face him slowly.. then behind sound effect Jerald will laugh =x sry sound effect i add on one.. HAHA.. well the idea is there... so funny..
after the swim.. it was late.. had nth much for me to eat.. i ate alot of sambal fishes..perhaps more than 10.. and 2 chicken wings.. very very burnt though >.< yea.. but the meat was delicious.. of course i peeled off the skin.. burnt mah.. then i ate alot of satays also.. YY's satays.. the one she BBQed.. was crispy -.- i wonder now how many of them were burnt =P but i think it should have been fine..
went to up to Jerald's house.. played one round of UNO.. then cut cake.. marvellously delicious Swensens Ice-cream cake.. DAM DELICIOUS =D! 3 SLICES! I ATE 3.. wahaha.. very very delicious.. but.. enough for me.. from all that screaming and shouting in the pool, to so many sambal fishes, and 3 slices of ice-cream cakes.. it will be miraculous if i dun have a sore throat tmr.. well my throat seems rather fine now.. might get a slight sore throat.. will try to prevent that to prove that miracles do happen =x after that.. i went off.. i wanted to come home to blog mah.. and check on MS awhile.. they wanted me to ton there.. maybe thats why Leroy was pissed.. but Roy isnt the type who gets pissed -.-
btw.. I was thinking about one particular sms SH sent me before.. i went to number 10 in my inbox.. and =D thats the very sms i was thinking about.. i looked at inbox msg 9 and 11.. i realised.. 2 things.. 2 very very core things which affected my relationship with her.. yes.. I will try to win her back.. i must.. she is my everything.. hope i got a chance to attempt to win her back.. got so much to tell her.. now that i know what we both lacked most.. it is a step closer to winning her back.. =)
1:55 AM...i'm thinkin' of you
Sunday, November 27, 2005
yeah.. today was a rather fine day for me bahx.. i never realised how nice Thomson View was..
at 7pm.. i stood in my balcony.. looking out to the skies, the trees, the flats, the open space.. fresh air blowing gently onto my face.. the feeling was marvellous.. i was very calm.. and i thought about things.. of course.. regarding.. *ahem*.. i realised that.. my thinking is really matured.. far more matured than some people.. serious.. but perhaps.. my flaw lies with my actions..
went out after that to go popular, bought 3 maple prepaid cards.. zz they never give me the lucky draw thingy.. i want to win the Yeti and Cargo plushie.. will be a good xmas present for.. *ahem* =x
maybe i going to buy more cards for the sake of the lucky draw..
anyway there.. i saw this girl.. and her mother.. the girl's tooth was falling out.. and the mother.. she was very calm.. it seemed like it was the girl's first tooth to drop.. the mother was very calm.. gave her a tissue paper to bite on.. then the tooth automatically drop.. and the mother, still very calm, called her husband and told him to buy those cotton for dental de..
this got me thinking.. nxt time when im a father.. all these problems also exist.. its how i battle these obstacles.. that makes me who i am.. even right now.. i din think much of a tooth falling.. how big deal it can be.. yes.. things around us.. there are many problems.. problems that we dun even think of.. but it doesnt mean it doesnt exist.. by treating someone badly.. more problems will surface.. so get to the root of the problem.. and solve it.. i will solve my problem soon..
5:58 AM...i'm thinkin' of you
Saturday, November 26, 2005
SH i din know u would read my blog.. much as i wished u would read and understand me.. but on the other hand.. it is quite disturbing.. i can no longer pour my inner feelings into this blog.. i dont even have the freedom to write what i really want mah? i do need someone to talk to also.. you want to be the one? i wont have to blog anymore if thats the case..
well u dun want me blog abt u.. ok i dun blog abt u today.. but did u know i cried earlier? did u know how painful it was? i missed you so badly but i cant even voice out.. i thought i have already gotten over u.. but i just cant do it.. i just cant.. im not a guy with much tears.. but this is the 4th time i cried bitterly after I shouted at u..
you keep throwing snide remarks at me.. i am a guy.. i have my pride also.. why do you try to hurt me? dun u understand how i feel? things between us.. are very difficult to describe.. very difficult for me to explain to u now.. u will regret hurting me.. cause it might really result in an end of friendship.. its not worth it ok? to lose a friend over relationship.. pls think through..
7:25 AM...i'm thinkin' of you
Friday, November 25, 2005
yea friends over night at my place.. my place was abit messy la.. every sofa got someone sleeping.. i recall in the morning 7+8+.. i cannot take it.. i went to my bed to sleep.. LOL
after that went to Leroy's place with Yi Ming for a short while.. then went off to EXPO in his dad's car.. i slept 85% of the whole journey..
EXPO isnt that bad leh =x i really really realise.. alot of pretty babes are gathered there.. lol woot =x and I saw Benjamin Gwee.. hey i got a knack for meeting friends nowadays.. =X its only 2 days-experience.. haha =D but really.. theres alot of pretty babes at expo... be it working staff, modelling staff, or customers..
then after lunch.. hmm.. we went back in.. and Yi Ming wanted to eat the burger.. not bad seriously.. its quite well-done..
anyway this is the scenario.. : shop sells Beef Burgers and Chicken Burgers.. both $2.. the Chicken meat.. looked very very delicious.. the beef looked so-so.. most burgers have beef inside.. so yea.. i chose beef..
result : the beef was not that delicious afterall.. the meat had a strong smell.. but its not the tender succulent smell of beef! i think i was better off with chicken..
conclusion : sometimes things in front of you.. they are already put.. in a perfect and better condition.. but u will always choose the thing u like best.. the popular choice.
example : in my love life.. things between me and SH.. are not very good (beef), i guess if i ended up with someone better.. i will be happy.. but i wont choose her afterall (chicken).. yea.. so well.. i think in my this life.. im destined to like one person most =)
after that.. went back.. to AMK this time.. on the way back.. 95% of the time i sleeping.. LOL.. i know it was very rude to sleep in Leroy's dad's car =x but well.. very sleepy lor.. then Leroy, Yi Ming, and me.. went with Paul, who was waiting, to Raiders.. they played dota.. i played CS.. not bad la actually.. still got abit of touch lor.. not totally helpless.. but yes.. CS do get boring also la.. i dun have plans to be a gamer for CS..
yup..Peggy is back in SG.. but she still aint gonna talk to me >.< wishing for a better tmr.. wahaha
ZANYG!!!!
played GB.. omg im still godly there leh.. last night thrash red dragon.. today thrash blue.. im quite pro la =) yea ^^v tomorrow must cheong maple le.. want to be high mapler..
1:51 AM...i'm thinkin' of you
Thursday, November 24, 2005
sianz.. lack sleep.. now tired tired zz
just now accompanied Jie Ying to J8.. met alot of ppl, Beth, Jerald, Saiful, Rahmat, Jeremy, Joy.. then went to AMK.. met Adrian.. the sec 5 de.., Winton and ahem.. Sandy, MY XIAO KE AI..
it was worth it just to see Sandy..
haha.. well.. Jie Ying is a good friend la.. she accompanied me chit chat alot.. but well.. yea i think i really miss SH.. her life is still very much in my concern..
went to Leroy's house after that.. happy birthday Leroy.. and yea.. im home.. overnight at my place.. now 6:22.. im beat!~
5:58 AM...i'm thinkin' of you
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
this post was supposed to be dedicated to Jie Ying =) but.. haha sry =x
Jie Ying.. thanks.. enjoyed the chat on phone with you la =) seriously.. you are a very nice friend.. stood by me when i was most upset.. never complained though i kept repeating abt SH..
after that i went out with Leroy.. =) lolx.. btw Happy Birthday.. 23rd November =) yea ^^v
just now.. i dropped $30 at escalator.. heng is i realised early.. i walked back.. i saw someone taking.. that I just said it was my money.. i saw the guy.. he take until very happy -.-" abit disappointing for him.. hahax.. what comes to his hands.. he have to let go..
then went to MRT.. i top up EZ link card.. i admit i was rude.. that guy counting money.. i kept calling him.. but that furker.. he more rude lor.. he say "4 eyes still never see ar?" kanina.. if i really dulan.. i write to the company.. i see he how.. zz
yupx.. took the train to city hall.. then change to bugis.. wahaha.. i did enjoy myself.. dunno how many yrs never go there le.. we went to Sim Lim la.. but most shops close le.. Leroy cant get his modem.. his modem blew =x wakaka.. right now im thinking.. perhaps.. i could have gone with SH to get a modem also..
=D went walk walk around Bugis.. not bad leh.. seen the place and freshen memory again.. but yea.. thought abt SH when i saw the fountain niax.. it reminded me of a place which i planned to bring her to.. never tell Leroy all these.. my friends dun lyk me to talk abt SH to them XD! i kept wondering if i will see SH and her bf.. Bugis has alot of ppl de mah.. just wondered what would happen if i see her.. FOR SURE 100%.. there will be a pain in my heart..
after that ar.. walked till sian liaox..we go back lor.. the train from bugis to city hall.. when the door closing.. got one girl.. almost dio squashed by the doors.. but never.. she moved back.. if she din move back.. i guess it will be the first time i see ppl die zz.. she did get squashed la.. but gd thing that door not strong.. im refering to the MRT station door.. not the train door.. imagine i watch her dio squash.. the blood ooze.. and splatter on the clear plastic windows !
haha.. her friends.. 2 of them got onto the train la.. and i think.. i exclaimed "ouch".. they did look at me.. wakakaz.. probably thought i was some lunatic or something.. but the sight really not nice mah.. see ppl dio squash like this.. we got off the train at city hall.. then Leroy walk to one corner.. i told him the girls quite cute la.. wasted to like this let them go.. i approached one of them for number.. BRAVE RIGHT!!? I SAID BRAVE RIGHT!? YES MERVYN VERY BRAVE NOW.. ever since i shouted at SH that day.. it crossed my mind.. if i dun do it.. i sure regret abt it.. lolx.. but i din get her number la.. not that she dun want give.. i dun want to take -.-" reason? well.. she said.. erh.. i from Malaysia.. u want call malaysia meh? den i said.. ah nvm.. ty.. i walked away LOL.. but hey!! MERVYN BRAVE LEH!
after that i went home as usual.. used inside the room de comp.. Jie Ying was playing MS.. wahaha.. Jie Ying become my beri beri gd friend niax.. i dun want to lose her lor.. shes a very nice friend.. ^^v
then there was Ying Xin.. had a chat with Ying Xin la.. i think we talked more than we ever did together lols.. <<>WANT the person, or how much u dun wanna LOSE the person..? my answer is.. how much u want.. because it means u know for sure u are able to give the person happiness..
Ying Xin's answer is how much u dun wanna lose.. cause.. her reason is.. u wont do anything the other party dun want to.. i dun get it also -.-"
haha dunno la.. but Ying Xin.. the things she say.. at first i really dun lyk.. its different from my personal point of view.. different from what i experienced.. and she say until i like small kid =x opps~! nvm im safe.. Ying Xin dun read my blog one ^^ but after that.. the things she say.. i do agree la..
Yea~! i must hunt blood snowboards!!! One for Leroy, One for Alex, One for Ying Xin, One for Jie Ying.. and perhaps one for SH?? dunno if i shld even bother.. hopefully i get to hunt one for myself.. i oso want sell de leh.. i really no mesos now lor..
Thought through many things today la.. my "dear dear".. even though play play de.. but i still cant bring myself to tell her "i love you".. cant bring myself to call her 'xiaozhu'.. no one can replace xiaozhu de.. and one more thing.. 'xiao sha dear'.. this one is definitely only for SH.. Ying Xin might be right la.. when i find one who i truly loves and love me more.. i will be thankful for heaven making me lose SH.. i dunno how to let go of the promises i made for her.. but i never was the unfaithful type.. i also think.. my pet is xiaozhuz.. SH pet is xiaozhux, when Cargo pet comes out.. SH sure will buy it.. and what will she name it? her xiaozhux will be a no more.. and then.. yea.. i will be replaced again.. SH is not very matured also leh.. i also wonder.. tomorrow she go sch get PA.. what will her bf be doing? its the first time after they stead, that SH gotta go to sch.. will he be waiting for her like i did? will SH remember the times i waited for her? ~>.<~ my commitment to SH.. how ar?? she broke her promise to me, without a blink of her eye.. am i supposed to fulfill it faithfully? i doubt so.. if i break it totally.. it will mean that i din mean to make this commitment.. and it will seem that.. i was just sweet-talking SH at that time.. my 1 yr-commitment only 11 more months leh xD.. i think.. well.. i will get a stead bah.. but probably.. or indefinitely.. just a maybe ar.. i will go back to SH if she ever requests.. means i will break off with my stead.. of coz i must make things clear to my stead that i have a 1 yr commitment to fulfill.. before i ask her to stead, of course.. i did imagine.. me breaking off with my stead after i loved her alot.. and back to SH.. and me living in misery.. i think in such a case.. i will still have to make SH happy.. its my promise mah.. promises are really heavy :S lol.. and can anyone imagine a 19 yr old girl with a 16 yr old guy? i got fantasize.. me and Peggy =x wahaha.. HEY FANTASIZE ONLY.. just being honest.. but regarding my true feelings towards her.. i dunno leh.. i dunno how much i like her la.. im just scared she dun lyk me =P yea Peggy is a nice girl.. attractive.. clever.. =D and very interesting.. who actually realises that.. ppl i get attracted to, knows SH de.. =x i really want an understanding gf mah.. one that can tolerate when i mention SH occasionally.. of coz im not gonna be a dumb fark and talk abt SH all the time la.. actually i think yea.. i got over SH quite alot le.. felt very cheated la.. promises are meant to be honoured.. people who say they are meant to be broken, sry, but u are pessimistic.. dun talk to me abt reality.. reality only one.. thats ur insight abt how u see things.. its ur own reality.. reality is harsh only if u see things harshly.. "sai weng shi ma, yan zhi fei fu" xD wakaka.. blog started at 1:26, now its 3:38 le.. just now i went to play Shattered Galaxy niax.. a game i almost never played since i knew SH till now.. probably still my fav game? lala.. btw did i mention that.. in the afternoon i called SH's house.. looked for her bro.. SH was on the line.. and i said "hello may i speak to De Fu pls?" perhaps.. the way i ask for a person.. is too standard la.. when De Fu talked to me.. SH knew it was me.. and she hung up.. very mean of her.. these nights.. every night the moral of my dream is the same.. wishing that you will say sorry to me.. wishing that you will apologise.. wishing that u never had a stead.. u were just leading me on.. lol.. SH is unwilling to sacrifice for me.. as Ying Xin said.. yea i believe that.. also thought abt many other things.. Prom Night.. how will she be? how will she dress? all this are questions i know i wont get answers.. also dunno if she got a date for then.. lol..
knowing Ying Xin, Peggy and Jie Ying.. i very happy le.. addition of my brothers.. make me happier.. all these people are better than one SH.. i sincerely mean it.. Mervyn's happy life is coming back =) .. time now : 3:43 =x
1:26 AM...i'm thinkin' of you
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Today is my first day without Si Hwee.. my heart.. feel slightly lighter now.. I accepted the fact that she got a boyfriend le.. but well i am very very disappointed.. i dunno how things will turn out to be.. if she ever wants me back.. i think i really have to consider many many times..
heart aches to know that the sweet things she said to me.. she is saying to another guy.. for that moment of time.. she was so unwilling to call me dear.. unwilling to call me darling and telling me she loves me.. now i guess.. she is telling another guy all the time.. calling him that.. calling him on phone every night.
In the past i was very eager to stead with Si Hwee, very eager to have a happier tomorrow with her.. Now.. I think i also should try my best to be eager to forget her.. of course not totally.. just forget my feelings. gonna write a letter for her bah..
Someone said to me.. its her destiny.. if somehow something will happen to make her regret.. and she doesnt want to listen to me, it will be her loss... i cannot change her destiny.. but i really dun want Si Hwee to regret.. it will be too late lor.. have to try no matter what.. i guess..
i dun want to do any more things to make Si Hwee hate me.. there are many things i can do to make her hate me for life.. i dun think i want a heartless girl like her.. i also dun want to make myself heartless.. but 3 years later i still will find her.. maybe after seeing her i will become a *dragonfly*..
Hold onto a butterfly, hold on too tightly, it will crush.. hold on too loose.. it will fly away..
There is sand on ur palm.. hold on too tightly, the sand will fall off, just leave it the way it is with an opened hand.. and let the sand rest on ur palm.. what is meant to be urs.. will be urs =) when the wind blows.. and the sand dun fall off.. its destined to be urs always.. ^^ since my butterfly has flown away.. i can only hope to pick a proper palmful of sand =D
Si Hwee promised not to get another stead so fast.. yet it has not even been a month.. I am very disappointed.. i see no point in continuing my 1 yr-commitment.. but it has to continue.. whoever i may stead with.. i will say this.. if SH wants me back.. maybe i will go back.. because.. its my commitment towards her.. it all depends on how i see things.. SH is not really worth my love anymore.. but the things i promised SH.. still lasts..
Just now in Johnson's house.. I watched a show.. a very nice one.. the guy fell in love with a ghost.. he decided to create history.. to create a miracle.. to make the first kiss between mortal and ghost.. they did it.. they fell in love.. then there was this exorcist.. upon shaking the mortal's hand.. he realised that .. the mortal will die at midnight.. thus he decided to exorcise the ghost.. there were 2 'Doors', 'Door of Life' and 'Door of Death'.. during the exorcism.. if any of the doors were open.. the lifes of all mortals would be threatened.. the mirror of the exorcist = Door of Death..
the window = Door of Life.. The window was opened.. then.. the exorcist fled for his life.. he was a strong exorcist.. but he was slightly scared or something.. and he din expect the guy to enter the scene of exorcism. the window (door of life) was sucking the ghost away.. the guy die die also dun want to let go.. until finally.. the girl just flew off.. the guy said "wait for me".. and he jumped down the window..
i also dunno whether he survive or not.. the next scene he was in a hospital.. bandages covered him.. and the song played was not bad.. if i din recall wrongly.. the lyrics were something like "i want to love u through everything, want to write a poem with u.. my mind is in confusion.. looking for the right word to piece in" ..the tune was nice la.. and the next scene.. he was in the rain.. and he stopped a car.. the female driver looked like the ghost.. but then he let her pass.. i oso dunno.. i watched last 30-40 mins of the show.. like no commercial de.. cant rmb whether have or not.. haha
i like the show la.. its a special relationship.. i wanted special relationships also mah..
moral of the story : dun try to stop a relationship.. nothing is really bad.. if u stop it.. the real tragedy will come out..
i wish SH will come to her senses soon.. hopefully she will forgive me.. because i know.. no other guy can love her as much as i do.. i hope that that guy will treat her very well.. SH and i are now impossible.. after all the exchange of harsh words.. to deeper misunderstandings.. to me not liking her attitude.. haha its really impossible.. i hope i can faster forget her =) hmm.. 21st November.. supposedly exactly 1 month after I shouted at Seoul Gardens.. means i know the rest of her classmates for 1 month le ^^ lol
haha.. yea .. just now went out with Leroy, Alex, Jerald.. realised what lousy tastes i got.. really sux.. Leroy shopped $250++ over >.<>.< must!!
i very tired now la.. my sister use comp so long zz.. just now i slept on sofa.. until she told me i can use le xD
1:41 AM...i'm thinkin' of you
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Had not been updating my blog, because I was busy preparing things for Si Hwee, and guess what? she threw everything away =)
I busied myself with this thing, probably boliao to her, but I am certain, if only she was willing to read the letter, or at least give the letter a glance, she will UNDERSTAND ME.. I rushed and rushed, even at 5:40 I was not done, but I rushed a cab down, I did not get to see her at the MRT station.
I waited for her TKD class.. while talking on the phone with Leroy, I saw her.. i dunno why.. but very automatically, i just hung up. I kept asking her to take the letter, why didnt she? anyway the letter did fall into her hands eventually, by the help of her brother, and SH smsed me, that she tore the letter... expected.. if i had produce another letter for her at that time, perhaps she would have read it.. my CDs.. everything.. she throw.. she said they were rubbish.. and holding them, dirtied her hands.. why must she be so harsh? break le must so harsh mah? why must we keep quarreling, exchange vulgarities and curse words.. Si Hwee do you understand now? it is you not willing to give in, not me leh.. I admit I did wrong, GO and read the next letter I prepared for you.. YOU WILL UNDERSTAND WHY!!!!! WHY I EXPLODED THAT DAY!
I went down all the way to plaza sing.. to buy those empty CDs with designs.. just to show more sincerity, reminds me of the past.. SH why u never try to understand me? u are a clever girl, but you dun think about how i feel? I remember before we met, I went to plaza sing too.. I was still a cheerful person lor.. knowing you.. is not a very good thing at all.. and i know u feel the same about knowing me.. but I dun regret knowing u.. its not good, but its the best thing of my life..
Anyway.. i went to watch HP and GoF with my friends.. then overnight at Jerald's house.. my first overnight.. in the past.. i did not overnight, because of someone.. am i really happy and contented with my current life? Today is 19th November!!
Ah.. I guess no one reads my blog anymore.. so.. this is probably my last blog post..
12:17 PM...i'm thinkin' of you
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Ying Xin once said : Love is not what I think it is.. Its not easy.. yet its not hard.. it brings out the happiest feelings ever.. yet the greatest hurt.. love is complicated..
Si Hwee just scolded me.. She is bend on getting me out of her life.. I am very hurt.. but one thing is.. I am less hurt compared to previous times.. Because if it was previously.. I would be shaking in agony now..
im so hurt.. but who do i have to confide in? everyone's busy except me..
but i know.. its not my feelings for her fade.. its just that i am used to being hurt like this le..
every single day.. SH hates me more.. its really hate lor.. headache now.. its right of her to say I think of Love everyday.. really very useless..
i still got chance mah? today the first time i thinking.. maybe the letter dun need give le..
9:31 PM...i'm thinkin' of you
Monday, November 14, 2005
Today.. whole day maple nor.. but at least got to talk to Si Hwee.. I didn't mention the problems we had la.. she was cold to me.. but at least no more hurting remarks xD
Must sleep early ^^ tmr early morning.. SWIMMING! must broaden my shoulders.. must stretch more.. must grow tall.. gonna think through how to make her forgive me..
Schedule for tomorrow : Write letter.. and pack up stuffs related to Si Hwee.. and burn into a CD.. Si Hwee is my everything and my all =)
yea SH if u read this.. I promise you I love you!!!!!! =) Forever.. bu hui pao qi ni..
9:21 PM...i'm thinkin' of you
Sunday, November 13, 2005
still upset now.. i miss you..
i dun believe in fortunes.. Destiny is in my hands!!!!
u know friday morning.. i took MRT.. pass admiralty le.. i felt so.. hurt.. daggers piercing my skin.. i thought it was the worst.. so much memories.. i think i only left admiralty once in a ok-mood.. i miss you so much!
but when the train arrived at causeway point.. it was worse.. i even had to see Seoul Gardens.. it was simply torturous.. my heart can bleed..
Si Hwee i will prove to u.. i will let u know! I really love u!!! IM NOT BEING THICK SKINNED! Im not being crazy.. but.. no matter what u say about me.. its pointless.. because i know i hurt u deeper before.. Pls SH.. its hard.. i know.. but together.. nothing can destroy us.. Pls have faith in me can?
omg im going crazy.. why do i keep blogging about u!
1:59 AM...i'm thinkin' of you
Saturday, November 12, 2005
i dunno what to blog.. i went out for breakfast.. yea.. no mood to blog abt that though..
im hurt.. SH said that im very ugly.. i guess its true bah.. she doesnt want me in her life anymore/ at all.. whole day no mood.. 6 pm+ already wanted to sleep.. but now.. still awake.. i think its time for me to give up le..
1:37 AM...i'm thinkin' of you
Thursday, November 10, 2005
28 hours ago from now.. i read everything i had in my comp ; regarding SH.. i miss her so badly.. i think it was then that i started breathing very hard.. i hated myself.. the things i said.. the harshness.. and in MSN conversations, my lack of concern and feeling.. i cried again.. was quite agitated
im now ill.. i think so.. just now went out with Leroy, Alex, Jesslyn.. saw someone who looked like Si Hwee.. backview.. i breathed hard again.. whenever i imagine im talking to Si Hwee.. asking her to forgive me.. or whenever she appears in my mind.. i will breathe very hard.. quite suffocating..
Today ar.. quite interesting.. heard the Examination Hall for the 'O' levels English, was too bright.. Janice asked for the increase of resistance, to dim down the lights =x end up power failure.. wahaha.. they were given 15 mins more...
T_T im now a MARS chocolate freak.. eat 1 a day.. =x wanted to eat 2.. but too heaty.. i eat chocolate to make myself happy.. Si Hwee also said.. it was worth getting fat over chocolates.. it seemed that MARS was her favourite..
Today i also went to play lan.. with Leroy and Alex.. 1 yr since i last played.. but 1 yr ago i only play for like 4-5 mins? oO.. in actual terms.. 2 yrs never play le.. haha.. still can frag.. but very lousy.. then watched alot of people at RAIDERS.. those playing maple.. not higher lvl than me =x i din dare log on.. fear of keyloggers.. my acnt worth alot of SGD$$ NEH! but i saw a cleric.. cant see level.. partied with a warrior who hits 4.2k max.. somewhere there bah.. killing cerebes.. the cleric had 1.2k hp o.O using emergency rescue tube.. not bad.. quite smart.. i wish i can do more dmg.. and have a proper cleric by me.. that cleric seemed to be 70 or 80.. couldnt see first digit..
just now play cs.. kept changing the server nick.. the guy come and lao lan.. i think he smacked Leroy.. he think everyone small kid bah.. if Jer did stand up.. i think he sure run away.. stupid xialan fatty..
on my way home... talked to Angeline on phone.. she said many things which made me think.. Si Hwee and i din have a strong foundation to rely on.. how did i expect to make her my stead in such a short while.. T_T i miss Si Hwee!!
a while ago.. was hunting lucidas.. i did my lvl 70 job advancement test part 1 le.. grats to me =) he only got to summon 4 tauromacis.. but they no sweat.. he does me 700 dmg when my power guard on.. and i return 170+.. so total he hits 870 o.O pain T_T hmm.. 170 is not 40% of 870! CHEATER! his magic attack painful.. 1.4k+
anyway pro me got through it of coz xD went back to ossy.. and as i said.. hunted lucida.. 3 and a half hours.. no joke leh.. not even a green morrican dropped.. not that i wished for lvl 20 green morrican gloves la.. but why didnt an eq drop.. i want my kandine T_T 40m.. share with my cleric.. 20m each.. i also song.. haix.. but now.. wasted.. but i got my level.. 3 and a half hrs.. i was 92.9%+ then i lvled.. thats 7%.. and i got 13.9% left now.. so its 21% T_T sigh.. yuck.. 6% an hr..
now ar.. i going slp le.. tata.. sleepy la.. 7-11 le leh.. nite all.. i hope i can dream of SH o.O
7:01 AM...i'm thinkin' of you
Monday, November 07, 2005
Earlier on today.. played maple.. wished so much i can just send her a "good luck" msg.. sigh..
went out with my classmates de buddies.. Eugene and Mu Quan.. went to watch movie.. bought tickets le.. den i hungry.. they accompanied me, but didnt eat.. i ate mixed rice.. the food yuck..!! Sotong, Tofu, Chicken, rice.. guess price? $5.20.. and the food beri sux >.<
After that went to watch show lor.. DOOM.. haha.. lame show.. its abit like the residential evil, house of the dead, CS.. quite lame.. din really enjoy it that much.. cinema dam cold.. when i in cinema.. i will think of the movie The Myth and i will think of The Maid.. and i will eventually think of _ _ _ _ _ _ ..
after the movie.. went separate ways.. Mu Quan took 88 from j8 MRT.. Eugene took MRT.. as for me.. i could have gone to interchange // catholic high.. i walked to cath high.. heartache.. sim tiah.. xin tong.. really very pain.. because i think of Si Hwee.. i think of some stuff which i cant fathom.. need her answers.. think of stuff which i couldnt accept.. wondering if i can accept in future.. or at least have the chance to.. now typing all these.. my heart pain agn..
i thought of something else.. to add to my "Defination of True Love Chronicles" : True love does not accept things immediately, the individual will mind and bother about certain things.. but will learn to accept them slowly.. that is true love.. u cant expect people to accept things they cant accept immediately..
came home.. maple agn.. sian sia.. but at least.. Wen wen promised to hunt taurospear with me tmr xD.. hope can get gd items.. den perhaps i can sell for SGD.. =) at least now.. maple got abit of meaning for me tmr.. ^^
i think very soon.. i need to tell someone.. that i cannot love another.. because my heart got Si Hwee.. even if dun have.. i think i will not find other girls bah.. dun wanna reject anyone.. i dun want retribution.. dun want SH to reject me.. cant afford to let her reject me.. cause i really learnt my lesson mah..
thanks Angeline jie for sending me the KISS MTV, people who want to cry, but have been unable to.. msg me on MSN.. i send u this MV.. i dun dare guarantee.. but 70% ppl will cry.. 2 yrs ago before i dropped stream.. i watched that after my exams.. i cried.. 2 yrs later.. i watched twice.. cried twice =X im a cry baby oO
must remember to wish Ying Xin good luck for her English.. felt bad not wishing her today.. dun she doesnt need my wishes and blessings..
-wishing for a better tomorrow.. i hope you will forgive me.. my heart has a home.. built for u.. come back to my heart..-
11:14 PM...i'm thinkin' of you
Saturday, November 05, 2005
I really cannot take it anymore.. I have brooded about it for too long.. KEPT EVERYTHING IN MY HEART FOR TOO LONG!!! WHY LIKE THIS ONE? Today is the first time I cried.. after that day.. I really cannot take it any longer.. I feel like shouting.. feel like crying out loud.. WHY !?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Just yesterday i thought i had a better chance.. Si Hwee would come back to me.. but why must she do this? I admit.. what i did is worse than what she did.. I dont blame her.. but i really cannot take it anymore.. its all in me.. my heart and my conscience... why did i do such a thing..
and both my didis dun seem to trust me anymore.. i make a firm statement.. i get doubted.. is this my retribution mah? especially you.. you know who you are.. you know me for 6 years already.. am I the sort who will lie over stupid game fact?
I really dun believe in miracles anymore mah..? why did i cry? Si Hwee.. i really need you.. why..? pls give me one more chance?
im quite sure im going crazy.. these days being alone.. I REALLY CAN EXPLODE.. A man cannot cry.. if not how to protect his girlfriend? But i really want to cry now.. but i also want to protect my girlfriend.. is what Si Hwee doing.. just to stop me from having false hopes? IM NOT GIVING UP SO EASILY!!! I WILL SHOW YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE U.. HOW MUCH I REGRET.. HOW I WILL MAKE UP FOR IT.. JUST DUN LEAVE ME PLEASE..
12:43 PM...i'm thinkin' of you
Friday, November 04, 2005
Yesterday no life on Maple again.. cheong for 10+ hours.. but very "eventful", got ksers.. noob cleric.. piangz the noob cleric really sux lor.. my xp from 10% an hour become 6.5%.. big difference..
he lure alot.. kill dam slow.. dam lowb clerics =x
smsed SH.. missed her badly.. she was still cold to me.. not giving up.. since when ur dear Mervyn so easily give up de? =x Bu Yao Qing Yan Jiu Fang Qi, Fo zhe dui bu qi zi ji ^_^
Maple finally level 70.. still considering now.. whether im going to do charity work later.. orphanage.. =x but im not really prepared for it..
i must work harder le.. not in Maple.. in real life.. tmr onwards i exercise more than before.. must grow TALL!
someone said something.. i guess its true bah.. perhaps.. Si Hwee doesnt want to give me false hopes. That must be because.. she doesnt believe in me anymore? that explains her attitude to me..? does she really hate me? aiyah duwan think le.. i must jiayouz
10:34 AM...i'm thinkin' of you
Thursday, November 03, 2005
I miss her.. i cannot tell her.. i really love her.. i also cannot tell her.. zz
today cheong maple.. 10 hours straight.. no rest.. once toilet break.. eat and play =x trained 1.8m xp today.. really very siao..
no matter what im not leaving her.. no matter what she say.. i can take.. because i did worse than that..
today i think of alot of things.. somethings.. SH must know.. she must trust me.. so many misunderstandings between us.. i need to let her know sooner.. will it be too late after O lvls?
ah well.. tomorrow last day to cheong maple.. must lvl 70!!
2:00 AM...i'm thinkin' of you
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
My friends say im drifting away from them.. i think so too also now.. i rather be alone in my world of fantasies.. because i really miss Si hwee badly.. i had enough of friends telling me its time to give up.. back then i din really dare to love her.. because all my friends telling me shes not good.. why my friend's words affect me more than the words of the girl i love most?
not really good anymore.. i've lost Si Hwee.. i really dunno how to walk on like this le..
i really had enough of friends.. telling me to let go.. i cant.. i really cannot leh..
my MS also no mood.. how to reach my target of lvl 70 by Thursday??!!
I WANT TO TAKE O LVLS.. i want to fight the battle.. when will i have the courage to tell ppl that im not an O lvl student.. and that i want to take Os badly? when can i tell those people.. that its a bliss to be able to take Os!?!?!? i still very ashamed.. still cant really take the fact i dropped stream..when will i take the fact that i lost Si Hwee??
when will Si Hwee come back to me? when will my dreams.. of after Os.. all my dreams.. when will they come true?
12:51 AM...i'm thinkin' of you
I knew Fate wouldn't appear like this.
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~Mervyn~
25/05/89
firerain2o01@hotmail.com
Friendster
I wish things will go my way..
I wish for a better tomorrow!
I wish for peace.