I'll - leads to words of mine. "I" means myself as an individual, I am important, thus I is capitalised.
Love - leads to posts. "Love" in actual fact is just a word, it does not exist in RL =x.
you - leads to links. *YOU* have appeared in my life =)
Forever - leads to tagboard. What really is 'forever'?
Promises - leads to my profile. "Promises" exist to be cherished and believed.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
wdf is going on agn.. the day started off not bad.. the song i tried to write.. i finally got the lyrics for the chorus..
wdf is going on.. someone in her blog typed "Wenn and Mervyn's never ending story on 20.5.06"
and the board tagger was "WENN".
obviously, i know she suspected me.. my school ended at 6 ffs. it was tagged on 4.54 pm
zz i wish she can forget me totally asap.. i really wanna woo her back. love is all about giving the partner the ability to destroy you, but at the same time trusting that person not to.
can i give the ability to another girl? is there a girl i wanna cheat now? or shld i be happy with her? shld i even get close to her? or repel all girls? zz
song lyrics for the song i wrote for Wenn :
Wo hen ai ni, ai dao tian huang di lao, hai shi yi yang ai ni,
wo hen xiang ni, wo de shi jie bu neng mei you ni.[i love this part of the tune alot (: ]
wo hen ai ni, ai zhe ni, sheng huo cai you yi yi.
ying wei ni, wo jue bu fang qi.
thinking of making second part of the chorus, like guang liang's songs.. commercialised chorus de.
something like.. qi ji(miracle) take over yi yi(meaning), wo ding hui nu li(i will work hard), take over wo jue bu fang qi(i won't give up).
yea.. i will work hard for my Os.. now im still considering whether i'll write a story of Wen and me better.. or write about my promises for her.
i know she sure flare up if she reads my blog.. im still unable to get rid of her from my blog =o but i know one thing.. less people reading my blog.. even my rl friends.. its gd news.. soon this blog become anonymous.. haha..
tmr.. haiz.. dunno leh.. maybe.. i try get close to her abit. it will be swell if i can fall for her too. school sux.. tiring.. but i think im more matured.. im on the speaking levels with my teachers, about their problems and mine.. heart to heart talk.. lol.. aint that more matured of me now? maybe cheeky talk with teachers, all around Singapore.. but which teacher will really tell u what's troubling them.. in their personal lives etc? =o and it's not only 1 teacher haha..
this coming 3-day break.. i will study hard.. and at the same time.. i will think through all the bad points about me which Wen stated.
-now listening to yi ran shi peng you, 'duo xi wang wo men bu ceng xiang shi guo =o' -
i wonder if Jing Wei can let me have his blogskin =x
11:25 PM...i'm thinkin' of you
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
i miss her alot leh.. i have not smiled this 2 days le.. just now read through my received files.. i realised i really miss her..
i no mood to do anything.. i dun wanna find a new love.
actually maybe is really i never cherish her.. keep suspecting her so much for what.. she with him 8 days she so happy.. she with me 7 days she buay tahan liao..
really happy for her.. maybe.. shld really stop disturbing her le.. make her kin forget me.. rang hou zai qu zui ta..
im very happy that i still can love Wen.. i suddenly think of one song.. Wen Xiao Qu, Ai Shang Ni.
shi qu liao ni, tao hao zhen ge tian di, you she me zhi de liao bu qi?
lost you, pleased the whole world, what's there to be proud of?
im getting boliao in sch.. but i love it.. i wrote alot of WO Ai JIA WEN~ I love baby wenn, i love xiiao wenn, mervyn loves baby wenn.. etc.. filling a whole piece of paper.. looks cool now..
i used to write alot of poems for girls.. but now.. im trying to write a song for Wen.. i've composed the tune le~ =x
i'll see if i get enough time to set my tagboard up. cause going out soon. maybe i will brighten up slightly bah.. my cheek muscles already aching abit.
8:49 PM...i'm thinkin' of you
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
wdf la.. my whole mood is ruined now.. its not i want to blog about this.. i wanted to blog about something else the whole day.. my mood really is ruined now..
of course i cant track who views my blog anymore.. im changing skin this sat.. and another thing is.. tagboard will be up too.. oh.. my pt is.. my this blog all along.. like always.. is meant for my personal reference in future.. so yea.. i wont lie to my blog.. unless i make it obvious.. like the bold and huge words the previous post, that XS admitted Wen hacked my acnt.
im fcking pissed la.. everyone thinking im a liar now.. wdf.. its not fair to me at all.. all along what have i been? a simple-minded boy? almost everyone could guess my thoughts.. they could read my mind.. now.. a dozen or so are claming that im a big liar.. lies about a certain individual, and lies that are manipulative..
i really dunno leh.. today my life in school was terrible.. my heart ached very badly.. i could pay attention in class now.. i no longer sleep in class.. but at times when i think of.. someone.. my heart really aches.. and i freeze.. its my fault.. the feeling i have now, is like another breakup.. because its a demise of someone very dear to me. i brought it on myself de..
i really cannot take the pain. i dun dare get a relationship le.. together for a while.. but the times of misery is far longer than the time of togetherness.. me and uenx nh in school, getting to be looking much more pleasant.. but i dun wanna make another move.. i dun dare.. now i dun even know whether i and YuMin still possible anot.. i really really really dun dare..
i know for sure Wen won't read my blog anymore.. its a good thing.. because i can blog about what i want.. i won't badmouth her though.. because it isnt her fault.. in case friends of Wen's still read my blog, pls do not ask her to read.
really pissed with Kendrick today. he's doing it on purpose.. he trying to get Wen and me to have new quarrels, for her to misunderstand me again.. she and me totally cleared le.. why would i still talk bad about her..? i really feel Kendrick is kind of dumb.. serious.. because why? he felt i was talking bad abt her when im telling Alex about her that special and unique Wen, which is not in standard chinese dictionary.. i found out today that its from KangXi dictionary.. KangXi the emperor.. having a wide collection of chinese words. even some of my chinese teachers have never seen that Wen.
Wen, as in Wen Jing.. written as a girl's name.. thus.. the nu zi pang.
and hey.. im right.. check out my 3rd June post.. cant rmb which day.. the day i got home after leaving home. girls will not listen to what people say about her lover. isnt it true? LoL.. RK, over a girl, can forget a friendship which lasted more than 5 yrs.
and darn kendrick.. small things like this and he think im talking bad abt her.. i was talking abt Shina just now.. that moron on purpose.. said things i never did on MS buddylist.. really on purpose.. wanting Wen to read.. and wanting her to hate me again.. fcuking hypocritical.
i never said those things he claimed.. that's one.. secondly, i did say something else. but is he keep asking one.. and i did thought it was true.. ok.. its my fault. but this guy doing on purpose. i thought he was a very nice guy too.. im so wrong.. i wish that i can get my old life back.. i dun like this hypocritical life.. let alone people calling me a liar.. fck the dumb brains.
************************************************************************************
what im gonna write now is pretty private.. its nothing.. really.. i wouldnt really want people to read anyway.. but u can if u want.. but if u and me not close de.. u most likely will think its my plot or lie to gain sympathy... and __ to those people.
************************************************************************************
Wen, we still must drink vodkaa together.. we still must watch movie..
we had those promises..
Wen is a real nice girl. thats why i dun wanna fall in love.. i wanna wait for her.. the best way is to avoid girls. i did do that.. but it worked for 1 or 2 months only.. that's shaving my head after breaking with YuMin.
Wen told me these.. i won't forget.. but im afraid i will forget.. that's why i wanna write it on this blog.
she told me:
not to pon sch.. will get addicted.
not to eat at the comp.. im still eating at the comp.. i stopped eating since shina called me a liar till now.. almost 1 hr maybe?
be more considerate to people around me.. not to think of myself only.
she also told me to learn to keep my promises of course..
Wen has highlighted many mistakes of mine:
don't do things that hurt people, and say sorry sorry sorry.
don't everything say 'i know.. i know'.. i shldnt have this 'im-always-right' attitude..
she says im bhb.. maybe?
she says my words are not seen in my actions.. actually i would have rebuked on this.. im a busy person.. i have alot on my mind.. not all my promises can be remembered.. i cant rmb what i said ytd either. i seek understanding.. reminding me will hurt meh?
she told me to learn to cherish.. i did cherish her.. if not.. last year why i gave a speech on Cherish? maybe i ought to have it written here..
there was one paragraph in my speech, which was entitled 'Cherish what you have, it may be gone before you know it!".
In life, there are many things we can cherish for, like me.. cherishing the opportunity to be here on stage giving my speech, whatever the outcome, it will be a very wonderful learning experience for me.
actually i kinda forget.. but haha i spoke this.. which was the focal point of my speech.. enabling me to win my best friend Leroy back, after i lost him over a quarrel in sec 2.
'There was once a time, in a certain stage of my life, when I had a best friend. He was a really good friend of mine, but however, being childish back then, all i did was to go around and boast that i had a silly little best friend. now too late he's gone, he wouldnt come back. and poor me standing on stage here regrets for the actions done. nothing can be salvaged, why do people cherish things only after they are out of reach?'
most regretably, my behaviour and attitude back then.. the kuniang-ness.. i have changed, and yet people are still saying.. zz
ha. 10.21 liao.. i took almost 30 mins to blog this -.-"
today sch really sucked.. i miss Wen terribly la.. for lunch, i bought alot of chocolates.. but i couldnt make myself happy still.. ate the chocolates till almost sore throat.
9:53 PM...i'm thinkin' of you
Monday, June 26, 2006
wdf seh.. she edit and say i was an anonymous tagger using the name __ and scolding her a fcuking twit -.-
i where will do such things.. zz
she calls me kuniang and niangniangqiang now.. nnb.. kinda pissed with this leh. i admit.. i was that way in first half yr of sec 2.. but i have fcuking changed and she's calling me that after 3 yrs? cheebye. if not how i got my gfs.. but haiz.. really regret la.
actually this was the reason why i liked her so much.. all my mistakes from the past have all came back to haunt me, on this girl.
too bad la.. she can say all she like about me lor.. i faster forget her also will do me more benefits than harm. she give me up de hua.. really her loss le.
OH BTW, ESTHER AKA XS, THANKS.. she has admitted that is Wen hack my account one.. lols.. i knew it la..
anyway today school was fine.. but zz sch from now on ending late. saw -her-
somehow i feel.. if i wanna jio her still.. from now on easier.. but i dun wanna fall in love agn.. nor do i want to be with someone i love.. =/ there's also my Katsuki.. gonna talk to her on msn.. then going slp.
went out with WenSong today. lol.. he told me he saw RuiKai.. poor thing sia that RuiKai =x=x
buay pai.. WenSong's character.. i like.. got anything just say.. speak your mind.. straightforwardness.. he told me lots of things sia.. =/ got good and bad..
now i know what kind of person Wen really is.. i dunno.. i really dunno.. i kept telling myself, if she were to apologise to me.. i will forgive her.. and even forget whatever happened.. but how many guys can really put down those things? i dunno.. i really dunno.. she wants to kill me now..
i told WenSong i hate her, but sometimes my heart really very soft.. haiz.. WenSong is right though.. she probably did not want to hear my explanations because it was an excuse of hers to get rid of me.. too bad la..
haiz tmr sch agn.. i miss Yumin!! LOL.. yea.. i passed by her sch today and such.. and that day i said i wanna hug her right? the next day after i scrolled my devils sunrise.. i went to look for her.. and i realised that a strange thing happened.. that strange thing is.. everything that happened between me and YuMin became so clear to me.. i think.. i really think.. i will be much much happier from now on..
7:49 PM...i'm thinkin' of you
Sunday, June 25, 2006
LOL..
i went to the police, to report someone's erm.. uncle?
someone now calling me names on her blog, +with the ip of the tags on my board.. i comfirm can make her jialat.. she claims she will eventually find me?
and LOL.. she say i mess with the wrong girl? she can try.. that kind of cheap people.. boo you la.. continue calling me names.. i can even do that to you.. i know your past and ur darkest secrets. and may i remind, your blog under supervision..
dun forget hor.. your blog mentioned the police, if i were to report you for harrassment, comfirm can. try me baby..
i love this tit for tat thing, i learnt them all from you.. if you are clever, better PRAY HARD i don't fall down ok? if i do, you wont be the one apprehended, but ur dearest.. erm.. dunno who la.. you shld also be protecting me whenever possible, because this 6 months.. LoL..
i tell u la.. u wont be able to find me unless u work hard this 6 months.. u gave up the chance to find me at east coast.. dun blame anyone liao. try waiting for me outside school again.. i thought you very cocky? HUMJI LIAO AR? come down tmr la.. ur uncle's fate in your hands.. you wanna play with me.. i can tell you, you won't win this time.. reason? i have higher IQ than you. want scheme right Mrs Snake? my zodiac is snake.. we see who more sly.
i tell u la.. i can do way more.. you better wisen up and edit ur blog.. to you, i don't need to relent and be merciful. you have, till the time im online tmr. i might wake up early in the morning.. and in case you don't know.. every morning, the route i jog, passes by the police station.
boo you. so humji.
haha.. i wanted to end the post for the day.. let me add on la k?
that guy asked the police, if they were really police.. dam funny.. that S*** family or whatever, so lousy one? humji la. dio shout by police diam diam liao.. still can be people's uncle?
64529999 can dun be police de? =x that police asked him check his caller ID.. he blur blur gong gong.. so obvious flustered la.. then he say his house phone no caller ID.. LOL.. but he was on his HP leh.. then wah.. buai tahan la.. then what.. he settle time meet outside police station.. LOL.. police scold him again.. gangsterism and illegal gathering arrangements.
after that he say he go down alone.. police jack him back.. 1 person also can kill people.. the surrounding policemen all laugh.. anyway yea its quite funny..
this toot from some dikless family.. asking me if i got $ to sue them.. ha? my house got enough $$ to spend on lawsuit.. compared to that poor family.. my sister is right too.. 2-3 days ago we were talking.. she said we were quite rich still compared to other families.. im glad she's right..
oh i forgot.. this paragraph is edited in btw.. her uncle threaten threaten.. police dulan.. ask me straight lodge complain.. because in front of police still wanna threaten me.. lol.. he say he anything.. police ask him if he can take it.. actually cause punishment double.. dam fun la..
__ slut.. is ur friend disturb me.. i sms u ask u to get her to stop flaming my blog.. song boh? u got ur uncle into this one.. if i die.. he also die.. come toy me.
tsk tsk..
if i wanna blurt out your past hor.. pls ar.. dun ashamed hor. i can use other comps in lanshops to post ur blog also leh.. =) and babygirl.. screenshots dont work as evidence in court.
ppl say i over small thing report police.. what abt u? over small thing want play gangs? pls ar.. not a single person, even though i have so many gangster friends.. not one even said my decision was wrong.. cowards.. dare tmr come down hor.
11:33 PM...i'm thinkin' of you
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Wenn and co.. PLS..
I'm trying very very hard to forget you as well... and i was doing fine.. PLS can.. let me pretend i never knew you before..
can stop fcuking make it like everything is my fault mah? I TRIED EXPLAINING.. AND PLS STOP ACTING LIKE ITS TOTALLY MY FAULT. WHENEVER I USED TO TRY EXPLAINING, U TELL ME THERE'S NO POINT? AND NOW WHAT? Wen pls.. maybe you never command your friends.. but don't forget.. you flooded my tag along with Cindy. u saw i said.. if you know you are not welcome.. don't tag a message. and you had to comment about it?
pls can? is it fcuking fair to me or not? you had to disrupt my so-called love life after breaking too? what the hell is going on la?
PLS la.. NOW REALLY NO POINT FOR ME TO EXPLAIN LIAO, SO FCUKING HELL STOP ASKING ME TO EXPLAIN.. IM NOT SPEECHLESS.. IM IGNORING U.. can start using ur brains mah?
who so free to disturb you? and who's disturbing who? ARE U EVEN BEING FAIR TO ME?
THE HACKING PART, IDIOTS WHO DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT HAPPENED THAT MADE ME SUSPECT HER, READ ON.
SHE CALLED ME AT 2.12 AM.. ASKING FOR MY PW.. AFTER SHE DID, I REMAINED SILENT BECAUSE I MISSED HER, AND WAS HOPING TO HEAR MORE FROM HER.. AND THEN I HEARD ANOTHER GUYS' VOICE SAY, "WA NI ZHEN BANG, ZHE YANG YE XING".
MY FCUKING FAULT FOR SUSPECTING HER MAH?
PLS LA. I DUN THINK ITS WORTH KNOWING YOU. YOU ARE THE ONE BADMOUTHING ME NOW. I DUNNO WHAT U HAVE WRITTEN IN YOUR BLOG. LEAVE ME ALONE AND STOP TAGGING MY BOARD FROM NOW ON. LET ME FORGET THIS 46 DAYS CAN?
9:01 AM...i'm thinkin' of you
Friday, June 23, 2006
$115.50 on 90 gachapons.. wasted.. only got an 8 MA purple cape..
sold for 21m..
bought a 98 att Devils sunrise, bought 7 scrolls.. scrolled it.. all passed.. Godly Sword.. can sell 100m+.. 112 att 7 str lol.
hunted cerebes.. 91 MA DR.. but argh.. i promised MinTing a DR long ago >.< so its gone too..
thought of her, missed her, thought i could write my letter for her.. argh.. but.. i think i shldnt waste my time.
im pissed with SoonTian.. so what if i said i want to forget her, but i keep thinking of her? my fault ar? __
faithful? maybe im not.. but one thing is for sure.. im one who wants a lasting relationship badly too.. some people are plainly stupid. they think im a liar.. and they are flaming me right in my blog? why not read all my posts over this 8 months.. i cant possibly lie for 8 months.. how silly.
Cindy, if you are reading, stop tagging my boards. you are causing me and Wen to feel disturbed by each other. thanks.
will anyone ever know that my blog name is "I just want a sweet relationship."?
8:30 PM...i'm thinkin' of you
Thursday, June 22, 2006
just ate after 24 hrs no food.
i wanted to write an email for Wen, an email i know she would not stop reading till the end if she would even open it. but she doesnt want me to contact her anymore.. i guess i have nth to say.
people who really know me.. not necessarily my truest nor best friends, will definitely know im an honest man.. and now.. she feels im cheating her all along? wdf.
maple guild disbanded.. im fhking lonely now.. i want sch to reopen.. desperate for it now..
cakee told me this : theres no such thing as being unable to put a relationship down.. its only whether u want to or not. i guess i know the meaning.. forget it Wenn.. ur questions abt WS and ur psychology will never be answered.
P.S : im not the type who will put the blame on someone, as you shld know from the very first day u noe me, i will never bad-mouth my ex after a breakup.
*i wanna hug her now*
11:50 AM...i'm thinkin' of you
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
20.05.06 - Wen married me on MS.
20.06.06 - she married another.
really dam hurt dam sad.. i dunno what to say also..
i dun believe she dont love me le. i know Wen, you will come back to my blog =)
Love dont fade that fast. I know you really loved me.
i have learnt another lesson. all best things in life are free...
i wanted the best for Wen.. and i have spent $ on her. but it was really wrong.. she didnt like it.. it wasnt what she wanted.. she would be satisfied as long as her beloved is a darling to her everyday. i failed to see that.
in my relationship with Wen, from start till the end, everything was on monetary terms. i was spending $ at first.. and then became a fking loser.. being calculative abt everything i gave her. Wen pls do not misunderstand [that is if you can bring urself to read this far]. the reason why i wanted to be calculative.. was so that.. i can forget every single thing.. and try to be like the old me. u think i would have wanted ur mesos or whatever? no..
just now in J8... got a haircut.. there playing xiaohai bu ben2.. before i knew wen, i watched it there once, after i knew wen.. another time.. now... end le.. agn =/ then i went to amk.. then walk to bishan. walked through the park.. zz i really miss Wen >.< and i know im dam naggy.. ok thats all.. nite.
8:09 AM...i'm thinkin' of you
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
If Cindy is still reading my blog, this is what you may like to read.
I've deleted Wen from my msn officially. true it took alot of determination.. and i did it with utmost unwillingness.. i dont like to be replaced in 20 days.
Wen has had so many ex that she lost count. yet me. i have to endure the full impact of the pain of the breakup? fair to me? I intend to forget this girl, and start a new chapter of my life.
im more determined to chase my dreams of a psychologist, so that i can understand these people, and why they derive pleasure from cheating. [before friends' misunderstand, i'm positive that someone has cheated me, with a stupid method, but i fell for it]. dun ask me who that someone is. i will no longer bother abt the life and death of this girl. but she will regret in future for letting me down.
5:53 AM...i'm thinkin' of you
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Love is short, Misery is long...
Happiness is shallow, Pain is deep.
i made myself fall for u.. i believed u.. theres nth else for me to believe in this world..
gan jue you na me tian wo na me yi lian
mei dang wo bi shang yan,
wo zong shi ke yi kan jian, shi xing de ruo yan quan bu dou hui shi xian..
duan kai de gan qing xian
wo bu yao zuo duan dian.. [when she blogged this the other day, i had a sharp pain in my heart]
she wont read my blog anymore.
i finally found my happiness before i met u. i thought luck has changed for me. i will get back the happiness i had before i know u. i will.
8:38 PM...i'm thinkin' of you
Saturday, June 17, 2006
6 months ago, I left my heart at admiralty..
today i went to retrieve it.
i have led 6 months of a life of a fucking heartless beast. i've hurt 2 girls and i've not realised. where did my conscience and self-understanding go?
when i reached admiralty, it wasn't even the place i wanted to be.. i no longer yearned to be there.. the place i wanted to be, was in woodlands. somehow now i feel kinda attached to admiralty still. but i told myself good bye to admiralty.. i wont go back there.
the love i had for sihwee has ended. 8 months.. after 8 months i can finally tell myself, i no longer love sihwee. maybe i still love yumin(very minimal). i will always have abit of feelings for my EXs. thats said in my friendster =) im a sentimental person. i might miss sihwee, but really no love le. and its because of Wen. Wen is a very special girl in my life. all follys in my life, all mistakes i have made, this special girl have made me learnt alot of precious lessons. I really love her. i finally dare say i dont love sihwee anymore, its because this girl has really replaced her in my heart.
I have hurt Wen.. heartless me.. chances of us patching, is very very low. i dun think she has feelings for me anymore.. my fault.. my bad.. its all too late.. i realised my lesson too late.. its only after i dio hacked.. had more time to care about my surroundings, that i realised.. Wen loved me more than she and i imagined.. to think i believed her when she told me she didnt have feelings for me right from the start. If that was the case, she would not have shed a river of tears over me.
after my departure from Admiralty, i went to Suntec to meet Leroy, Tim, Alex, Jesslyn, Edwin and Jerald. i can say i was pretty unwilling to be there.. i wanted to be at woodlands.. admiralty and woodlands are neighbours and i couldnt go due to the time constrain.
we then went to funan there for 7-11.. i was thinking of yumin haha.. we did met there once.
then we headed for esplanade.. and we chatted there.. Tim talked about women with their satisfaction for their love lives.. seemed that Italian women are most satisfied. the focal point here is.. Singapore men are lousy lovers.. i think and think.. ya.. the way i love Wen.. its wrong >.>
Wen said before she would be contented if i were to be her sweet darling everyday.. when i read that sentence.. my heart melt.. my head hung. so ashamed of my actions..
Tim also told us some sad story of himself.. haiz =/ but i did learn things.. his jokes also very funny.. Tim is a erm.. 21-24 yr old.. dunno how old luh.. face looks like below 18.. very strong muscles and very fit.. though if not flexed.. rather flabby.. he walks to work everyday.. 45 mins walk.. 3000 sit-up a week =/ not bad har? lol.. he buy cigarrettes or enter a pub.. must have ID =x
now on MS.. quite sad.. dun wanna tell any friends.. i saw 10 att Dark Emperor and 10 str icarus cape 2.. the 2 godly items i was eying.. if only i didnt get hacked.. i would have bought them and reduced my dex le.. now must waste $110.. =/
Missing Wen.. wondering how's her fever.. and if she's enjoying herself. but i doubt she misses me anyway.. haiz.. why shld i bother.. maybe the Cindy who tagged me is right.. i shld start trying to forget her.
5:32 AM...i'm thinkin' of you
Friday, June 16, 2006
MS acnt got hacked.
Gross Loss 150m there. Slightly more, or less.. at least 140m gone.
not alot for a 120 crusader.
i suspected Wen.
now i realise.. oh fcuk.. its definitely not Wen. what the hell am i doing.. i hurt her again last night.
9:17 AM...i'm thinkin' of you
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Today Wenn and I patched up.
We got closer than ever..
We couldn't leave each other for even 2 minutes.
I hugged her in my arms tightly..
We had alot to talk about..
I told myself i would never let her go, and that i will be a fool to do so..
Then I woke up and realised it was all a dream.
4:35 PM...i'm thinkin' of you
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Each time i have a breakup, i will dedicate a post to that girl.
This is the 3rd time. To [Wen]. {i dont think she will even read this}
I was watching Wo Jia You Ge He Dong Shi.
i noticed many things.. and there are things i want to tell you.
Firstly.. why didn't you give me enough time? ><
http://www.friendster.com/lordloveless
-What is maturity? It is the aftermath of seeing through sorrow. Innocence and childishness, what is the difference? It is the same logic.
-Liu Yue'er had a foul temper. So did you. I knew I could handle it, why didn't you give me more time? [Another thing in common you two had. Your Maple Cat's name is baby. And so is her pet dog.]
-What keeps a marriage sacred, is in keeping promises. [I really regret not keeping that promise. I was unaware.]
-Compromise and learn to forgive. It's the way to be free in life.
-She fought for what's hers. Why isn't a woman's love enough for a guy? Why must she share a man with concubines? [I didn't fight for you.]
Anyway these are just a few highlights I noticed. The main points are here.
Even when feelings have faded, I can reach you and make you fall in love with me. If we two can fall in love again, you will only have happy memories of us. It will be the fairytale we both are searching for.
I'll repeat this to you..
From now on, I will love you and only you.. Spoil you.. Never argue with you.. Live up to my promises and never lie to you. Always protect you.. Agree with you.. Believe and have faith in you. I'll stand up for you no matter where and when.. Share your laughter, wipe away all your tears and cheer you up when you are sad. You will be the prettiest and only one in my eyes. You will be the only one in my dreams too, as well as the only one in my heart.
Whether you remember me or not, I still regard you as my wife.
[My bad, I argued with you, did not fulfill my promise, it was more like you protecting me, i did not agree with you at all times. I started off not trusting you, good thing i changed in time. And it seemed i spoilt your mood and made you cry more than cheering you up. But you have really been the one I loved only, and the one i tried to spoil. Only one in my eyes, dreams and heart.
I came online just to write this for you. If you have read, tag my board so that I will know. Good luck with your new boyfriend(if you already got one), anyway I'm sure by November, you will definitely have someone new.. take care of your health.. and.. your eyes..
I will never badmouth you in front of anyone, because i have nothing ill to say about you. you were the nicest one can be, and having you was my fortune. thank you for teaching me so many things. i'm sure knowing you is the turning point of my life. i believe, i will mature soon =)
To date, the promises i broke are less than you >< but im sure u had ur reasons. maybe you really felt sure that you didn't want to be with me.. hope we can continue what we left behind in this life, in our next incarnation. ich mag du.
5:59 AM...i'm thinkin' of you
Sunday, June 11, 2006
Today is my last day being online..
very soon she will forget my name.
i hate her for not giving our relationship more time.
i love her for making me fall for her.
having her in my life is a very good thing. im blissful enough to have her for 2 weeks.
10:44 PM...i'm thinkin' of you
Saturday, June 10, 2006
Today is my last day online for months. Yes i will come back occasionally.. but its rare..
Level 120 on Maple. It was tough, im awake for 33.75 hrs now.. going to bathe and then going out again.
i've thought about things.. in love, your lover is not a god, but a learning partner. who agree? lol.
i miss her and i wonder if she will wait for me...
9:45 PM...i'm thinkin' of you
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Another lesson i learnt but forgot to include was, never give up. if i had given up on that journey.. i wouldnt have made it home..
she and i just cant meet eye-to-eye.. by requesting a chance to work things out together, am i being despo or is it i think we should both give each other another chance? i think its the latter.
i admit. i miss her but it doesnt mean anything. do i still love her? im feeling nothing but anger.
upset that yiqi got hacked on maple.. it was her first day knowing me. am i suay?
4:55 AM...i'm thinkin' of you
Sunday, June 04, 2006
i have become nocturnal again. slept at 9+, woke up 12+.. really chionging ><
according to my time now in the blog, its 1.51 pm june 4; its currently 1.47 am june 5.
ytd worse, i didnt blog till i shut my comp down.
i am blogging about Friday's(3rd June) events. Wen and I seemed to have a gap. We were losing that special feeling. i was really very stressed out. 2-4 am on Fri, i was taking a stroll outside.. wondering if i should walk into the park, and if she still will care about me.
I went home at 4+.. and my dad found out i was out of bed by then. Leroy told me to go to bed, and so i did. but i woke up at 6+.. to write the email for Wen.
************************************************************************
I went to school, being very late, and when i reached home, ready for my 2-6 sotong slot, i realised my dad took a wire, and i was really pissed. when he woke up, i was half way watching Huo Yuan Jia 2nd disc.. i never watched it before, and my dad just stopped it. i was really pissed. he asked me to get out of the house. i said Ok, i'll change first. then he said.. if i leave, dont ever come back. thats how i left.
what was racing through my mind, was that, the next day i'll probably lose my friends. Thursday I lost Wen, Friday lost my family(could-have-been), Sat? lose friends?
i smsed my teacher.. she offered me to go to her house. ha~ what a joke. i paced to and fro from Alex's place to Leroy's place.. didnt really want to go to any of their houses. I don't want my closest buds to accomodate to my childishness. This happened in the late afternoon.
before we went to Ang Mo Kio(i arranged this outing on thurs cause i needed to destress urgently..), i bought a loaf of bread. it was gonna be my dinner for 5 days, and after meeting in AMK, i was quite hungry. and all i bought was a bowl of white rice, and after that it was destressing time at the arcade. Another friend got news of me having left my home, and he offered me to overnight at his place. he and i arent really close, so i accepted.. actually having doubts at first.. but i think.. it was a pleasant night.. his house 24 hours on air con one =x i went for a swim before going up too.
my bed was beside the computer in another room. i managed to stay up to chat abit with my friend, before i couldnt take it and fell asleep. when i woke up, it was 11. my handphone was in front of me, fully-charged. i used his comp, brushed teeth at his place(his mom gave me a new toothbrush), and had lunch there, before going to swim again.. after swimming, i realised my mother called me. She told me that my dad got a high fever. 38 degrees+ and that he was really out of breath that he couldnt reply anyone who talked to him. (my dad has diabetes, heart attack, and kidney failure.. very complicated illness).
i went home, took my things, and left for home.. i walked home one step by one step, using my feet to bring me back. it was really a long walk, newton to bishan. i thought of many things.. and these are the focal points of my post.
Firstly, happiness is meant for one's ownself to achieve, happiness cannot be given. guys should never tell girls that they are able to give them happiness, when they themselves are unable to remain happy. its really childish. Guys' happiness are relied totally on how the girl reacts to things, including breakups.
Secondly, there are really things in the world that are more important than relationships. family comes before everything. your girlfriend can tell you "we 2 are people from 2 different worlds. we are not meant to be together". and with that, she leaves you.
your father, nor your family, will ever tell you "we are people from different worlds, we are not meant to be father and son(in my case)".
Thirdly, white rice and bread.. really bu hao chi.. from now on i only want good food.
Forthly, before i went back to my friend's place to take my things, i was swimming. my body was wet, and i was walking home wet. my shoes were heavy, it wasnt easy.. i didnt feel tired.. i didnt bother to take a rest.. i just continued walking. it was troublesome carrying the bread too.
Point : one should always look forward, resting will only delay the time you succeed. no matter how difficult the journey is, we should not give up. many will say, i should just take a bus back. if i took a bus back, i will not have straightened my thoughts out readily. if we take the easy way out for everything, we will not benefit, but become more reliant and take things for granted.
Fifthly, it was difficult to be without money. i will make it a point to start saving $.
After i got home, i apologised to my dad, and requested 10 days from him to set my online affairs into place, before i start to study hard. 240 hours.. after persuading, he agreed to give me 1 week.. thats how the 188 hours started. I have enough time to clear things with Wen, and also enough time to reach level 120 on Maple.
Refer to my post on 31th May (i think), and many will realise that, whatever was stressing me, i am finding solutions to them.
Sixth lesson, i have learnt that suiciding will not solve anything. i really did consider attempting suicide, i felt i was driven to an end.
Seventh, whether i am aiming for a JC, or a Poly, i still have to take O lvls.. (learnt this from talking to my friend's mother.)
Someone feels that i put to heart, the fact that she misses her ex-boyfriend. i've certain issues to discuss on regarding this.
1. How much she likes her ex-boyfriend is COMPLETELY beyond my control. It's not something I can change at all.
2. I could tell a woman that her boyfriend's a jerk EVERYDAY, but that wouldn't change a thing. Nothing anyone could say can EVER change the opinion of a woman about her lover. Because at the end of the day, her attraction for her boyfriend will cut through EVERYTHING.
3. This means one should just work on attracting her and raising the chemistry with her without worrying about her ex-boyfriend at all. Just ignore his existence. Never mention him and NEVER argue with a girl about forgetting her ex-boyfriend. If she only have unpleasant memories about the cause of break-up between her and her ex-boyfriend, and at the same time having wonderful memories with her current boyfriend, who is she going to love more?
I hope I've made myself clear. If i really minded alot about him, at the end of the day, am i going to love you or him? I rather make use of that concentration to work out wonders between us.
Next lesson learnt : Eoin told me in Secondary one, "start changing now or people in future will label you as, hey that's the gay in my sch". I did not follow his advice totally, and remained acting like a wuss till sec 2. But hey, its sec 2. i changed after that. undeniable fact. and now 'many people' claim to be my good friends and tell you that i am a gay la? some friends of yours told me, 'if you were gay, you wouldnt even have fallen for her.' the biggest mistake you have made regarding your belief for my behavior, is that you never asked YuMin(myillusion), about whether im gay or not.
Another thing i want to tell you is that i tried so hard to woo you, and at the end, you questioned my love for you?
Ok im done with my blogging. thank you, and i hoped that of so many lessons here, you guys will be able to absorb at least 5%.
1:51 PM...i'm thinkin' of you
Friday, June 02, 2006
yesterday.. the post i posted.. is not totally accurate.. i dont know what to do either.
its ending. what abt my birthday next yr? and what abt our future birthdays to come? lol.
12:43 AM...i'm thinkin' of you
Thursday, June 01, 2006
on my birthday.. i read through my blog again.. the opening of the blog, has many matters related to Si Hwee.. once again she is in my mind.. 30th May.. i cried out.. i couldnt control my tears.. i just wanted to cry. sheok.. long time never cry the way i did yesterday.
i've let Si Hwee down.. it was my fault.. i was way too immature, and "that failed experiment, was cruel to be carried out on Si Hwee".. right now.. my heart is locked up in Admiralty.. i really must visit that place this friday.. maybe i'll get to see her too..
ok back to reality and the present.. as i've said.. i cried. that probably shows that these few days.. im really really upset.. when someone is no longer sweet to you.. that person might not realise.. but the difference the receiver feels, is difficult to explain with words.. i dont want to rack my brains thinking of the right words to fit in anyway.
i've fallen in deep love again.. unable to pull myself out. i dont know what to say regarding that.. im really really stressed out these days..
Teacher, Father, Mother, Sister, Maple, Future, The Great Dillema, SoonTian, and maybe even Wen?
Teacher : wishes me to quit maple.
Father : wants me to stop playing comp.. __ i dont want to start my studies in JUNE!! __
Mother : wants me to save more $.. i really cant.. not for these 2 months..
Sister : HEY FUCK U, get a life can? stop comparing urself with me and stop giving me ur assesment test papers.
Maple : My lvl 120?? i've not levelled for close to 2 weeks.
The Great Dillema : i cant elaborate on this.. this is the greatest problem of my life.. both choices i make will result into lifetime regret.. i wish i can have both..
SoonTian : gotta return him 20m mesos by 2nd June, which theorically, is tomorrow.
Wen : .... perhaps i only have dots to say? Wen, if you are reading this, i hope you trust me too, and do not misunderstand my tone. i will never give u a harsh tone.. i have been upset these few days.. a pity you still dont know what caused my misery, or perhaps have not even noticed me being sad.. thanks har for the 'birthday gift' u gave me.....
now im sure everyone can see how stressed i am.. if not for Wen, and not for the mesos i owe Alex and SoonTian.. i already jump and suicide le.
i also cant remember what i wanna blog. im really unhappy now..
1:09 AM...i'm thinkin' of you
I knew Fate wouldn't appear like this.
* none *
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~Mervyn~
25/05/89
firerain2o01@hotmail.com
Friendster
I wish things will go my way..
I wish for a better tomorrow!
I wish for peace.