Wednesday, March 01, 2006
~Reflections for relationship with Yu Min~
(sigh.. just now webpage close, retyped)
I know that Yu Min hates me alot, and the chances of her reading this is slim, but I sure wish she does. Yu Min should be the 3rd girl in my life. But she is the first girl I am writing a reflection for. No one was there for me to voice my pain and unhappiness with Si Hwee. I had to hide everything in my heart. No one understands me, and there was no one for me to trust. Yu Min was not the first girl after Si Hwee, there were many.. and one of whom was quite likely to become the one I could talk to, was Rena, who could not take it after 1 month. She said that I did not care about her, which was quite true, because I could not forget Si Hwee yet.. she was also not worth my trust. I did not even bother much about her. Of all 3 girls, Yu Min made me the happiest. I don't deny that I first met Yu Min, was on Maple. I didn't want to admit that I got a second hurting relationship from Maple. That day, I was upset with Si Hwee which resulted in me getting to know her.
Right from the start, me knowing Yu Min on Maple, somehow I felt that I know she was the special person for me. She was different. I still did like Si Hwee, but I allowed myself to fall for Yu Min. As I got to know Yu Min, I loved her more and more. Yes Love.. because I still love her, it did not fade. I cannot forget the time, in the movie theatre, I called her after the movie "Memoirs of a Geisha", just to tell her, that I love her. I know she was very touched at that time. I said those 3 precious words too many times, I won't get to touch her like that again. Loving Yu Min really made me daring, that night after the movie.. I had a quarrel with Si Hwee. Without Yu Min in my life, I would never have dared to do it. I sound like a jerk? why do people think that Si Hwee was good to me and I was nasty to her? why not the other way round? I know for sure that Yu Min thinks like this. For 5 days, my life with Yu Min was very pleasant, I loved knowing that I had her in my life. That might have been the happiest 5 days in my life after knowing Si Hwee. Then after that got Chinese New Year and such, but before Chinese New Year, I fell ill, and she was so concerned. I will never forget that.
With Yu Min, I felt so natural, so happy, felt like I really was on heaven. Having her before the first broke-up, was the best feeling I ever had in my life. I enjoyed hugging her, but I did not know she dreaded being hugged. That feeling I can never dream of having it again, maybe cause of my emotional scar. I loved Yu Min most so far in my life, but she is also the one who hurt me the deepest. It is only barely more than a month that Yu Min and I got acquainted. I never kept much of her smses, msn conversations etc. Because I thought that she and me will last forever. I honestly believed it.
Problems between me and Yu Min is, firstly she is too headstrong, yet I wanted to make her can't live without me, I was too impatient to accomplish that. I wanted that because I really wanted to last with her. Secondly is probably because I treated her too well, which girl likes submissive guys..? I also did not have enough tolerance, Yu Min lied alot to me because she was insecured, should be bah.. she should have been afraid that I would leave her. But it turned out she did not trust me. Another reason might be the age gap, whenever I was going to lose her, I would call her immature, but to be honest I don't really feel so. I loved her in the first place cause I felt she was a more mature 14 year old. I just hope she would have came back to me. Yu Min was good to me also. She would heed my advices, but the first stupid quarrel she and I had, was over the word 'patient'. Her friends all teach her wrongly. I guess don't really have a chance for me to tutor her. And it might also be because she and I seldom have the chance to go out together. What upset me is, she thought I saved the few smses of hers, to send to other people to make them think she is a bad person. No way man.. Yu Min is a good girl, but she's just too headstrong. She also wants to be loved, and she wants people to understand her. Yu Min also thinks that.. I don't really love her. She is so wrong.. =( maybe I should grant her the freedom she wants..
Sadly, Yu Min.. is a very important girl to me, but it seems that destiny has it that it is fated for me and her not to be together. I can only wish for another chance to see her. I have already decided to look for her one day. She is still my <33 I do think I like someone else. But I never give up on Yu Min because I cherish relationships. And I was writing a poem for Yu Min the day she and I broke up. I lost all inspiration after that but the first verse is this :
I used to walk on a lonely road,
without your love as my coat..
With nothing to shelter me from the storm,
Until you came into my life, wherever from.
7:56 PM...i'm thinkin' of you
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