Sunday, June 04, 2006
i have become nocturnal again. slept at 9+, woke up 12+.. really chionging ><
according to my time now in the blog, its 1.51 pm june 4; its currently 1.47 am june 5.
ytd worse, i didnt blog till i shut my comp down.
i am blogging about Friday's(3rd June) events. Wen and I seemed to have a gap. We were losing that special feeling. i was really very stressed out. 2-4 am on Fri, i was taking a stroll outside.. wondering if i should walk into the park, and if she still will care about me.
I went home at 4+.. and my dad found out i was out of bed by then. Leroy told me to go to bed, and so i did. but i woke up at 6+.. to write the email for Wen.
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I went to school, being very late, and when i reached home, ready for my 2-6 sotong slot, i realised my dad took a wire, and i was really pissed. when he woke up, i was half way watching Huo Yuan Jia 2nd disc.. i never watched it before, and my dad just stopped it. i was really pissed. he asked me to get out of the house. i said Ok, i'll change first. then he said.. if i leave, dont ever come back. thats how i left.
what was racing through my mind, was that, the next day i'll probably lose my friends. Thursday I lost Wen, Friday lost my family(could-have-been), Sat? lose friends?
i smsed my teacher.. she offered me to go to her house. ha~ what a joke. i paced to and fro from Alex's place to Leroy's place.. didnt really want to go to any of their houses. I don't want my closest buds to accomodate to my childishness. This happened in the late afternoon.
before we went to Ang Mo Kio(i arranged this outing on thurs cause i needed to destress urgently..), i bought a loaf of bread. it was gonna be my dinner for 5 days, and after meeting in AMK, i was quite hungry. and all i bought was a bowl of white rice, and after that it was destressing time at the arcade. Another friend got news of me having left my home, and he offered me to overnight at his place. he and i arent really close, so i accepted.. actually having doubts at first.. but i think.. it was a pleasant night.. his house 24 hours on air con one =x i went for a swim before going up too.
my bed was beside the computer in another room. i managed to stay up to chat abit with my friend, before i couldnt take it and fell asleep. when i woke up, it was 11. my handphone was in front of me, fully-charged. i used his comp, brushed teeth at his place(his mom gave me a new toothbrush), and had lunch there, before going to swim again.. after swimming, i realised my mother called me. She told me that my dad got a high fever. 38 degrees+ and that he was really out of breath that he couldnt reply anyone who talked to him. (my dad has diabetes, heart attack, and kidney failure.. very complicated illness).
i went home, took my things, and left for home.. i walked home one step by one step, using my feet to bring me back. it was really a long walk, newton to bishan. i thought of many things.. and these are the focal points of my post.
Firstly, happiness is meant for one's ownself to achieve, happiness cannot be given. guys should never tell girls that they are able to give them happiness, when they themselves are unable to remain happy. its really childish. Guys' happiness are relied totally on how the girl reacts to things, including breakups.
Secondly, there are really things in the world that are more important than relationships. family comes before everything. your girlfriend can tell you "we 2 are people from 2 different worlds. we are not meant to be together". and with that, she leaves you.
your father, nor your family, will ever tell you "we are people from different worlds, we are not meant to be father and son(in my case)".
Thirdly, white rice and bread.. really bu hao chi.. from now on i only want good food.
Forthly, before i went back to my friend's place to take my things, i was swimming. my body was wet, and i was walking home wet. my shoes were heavy, it wasnt easy.. i didnt feel tired.. i didnt bother to take a rest.. i just continued walking. it was troublesome carrying the bread too.
Point : one should always look forward, resting will only delay the time you succeed. no matter how difficult the journey is, we should not give up. many will say, i should just take a bus back. if i took a bus back, i will not have straightened my thoughts out readily. if we take the easy way out for everything, we will not benefit, but become more reliant and take things for granted.
Fifthly, it was difficult to be without money. i will make it a point to start saving $.
After i got home, i apologised to my dad, and requested 10 days from him to set my online affairs into place, before i start to study hard. 240 hours.. after persuading, he agreed to give me 1 week.. thats how the 188 hours started. I have enough time to clear things with Wen, and also enough time to reach level 120 on Maple.
Refer to my post on 31th May (i think), and many will realise that, whatever was stressing me, i am finding solutions to them.
Sixth lesson, i have learnt that suiciding will not solve anything. i really did consider attempting suicide, i felt i was driven to an end.
Seventh, whether i am aiming for a JC, or a Poly, i still have to take O lvls.. (learnt this from talking to my friend's mother.)
Someone feels that i put to heart, the fact that she misses her ex-boyfriend. i've certain issues to discuss on regarding this.
1. How much she likes her ex-boyfriend is COMPLETELY beyond my control. It's not something I can change at all.
2. I could tell a woman that her boyfriend's a jerk EVERYDAY, but that wouldn't change a thing. Nothing anyone could say can EVER change the opinion of a woman about her lover. Because at the end of the day, her attraction for her boyfriend will cut through EVERYTHING.
3. This means one should just work on attracting her and raising the chemistry with her without worrying about her ex-boyfriend at all. Just ignore his existence. Never mention him and NEVER argue with a girl about forgetting her ex-boyfriend. If she only have unpleasant memories about the cause of break-up between her and her ex-boyfriend, and at the same time having wonderful memories with her current boyfriend, who is she going to love more?
I hope I've made myself clear. If i really minded alot about him, at the end of the day, am i going to love you or him? I rather make use of that concentration to work out wonders between us.
Next lesson learnt : Eoin told me in Secondary one, "start changing now or people in future will label you as, hey that's the gay in my sch". I did not follow his advice totally, and remained acting like a wuss till sec 2. But hey, its sec 2. i changed after that. undeniable fact. and now 'many people' claim to be my good friends and tell you that i am a gay la? some friends of yours told me, 'if you were gay, you wouldnt even have fallen for her.' the biggest mistake you have made regarding your belief for my behavior, is that you never asked YuMin(myillusion), about whether im gay or not.
Another thing i want to tell you is that i tried so hard to woo you, and at the end, you questioned my love for you?
Ok im done with my blogging. thank you, and i hoped that of so many lessons here, you guys will be able to absorb at least 5%.
1:51 PM...i'm thinkin' of you
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